It’s been awhile since I’ve had a night like tonight-a night when every time I close my eyes I see death..not some PG rated death, a horrible and gruesome death that would knock a Stephen King novel on its ass. I’m lucky though, this used to happen almost every night and every time I would wake up, sweating, and crying out in pain because I usually saw the death of myself and/or those I held near and dear to my heart. I would even see the death of my pets, one right after the other, in different scenarios, all throughout the night.
I began to wonder if I was suicidal or just depressed, but I learned that you don’t always have to be depressed to be suicidal. I’m glad that it’s not as intense as it has been in the past and I’m very thankful that I am still here to be able to type this. I know that I will never not be suicidal and I have come to terms with it. I will never fully be able to eradicate these horrible visions. The “dark thoughts”(that’s what I like to call them) will always be in the back of my mind waiting for their next turn to strike. Hopefully when they do, I’ll be ready for them.
It’s been years since the last night I had like this, and it’s just a cruel way of reminding me that it never goes away. Death never goes away. It will always be there. Waiting. Watching. Patiently waiting until it happens naturally or you end it early like too many have done before.
AvGirl 